By Timothy Honk
Over the last few days, Ukraine has seemingly pulled off the impossible, and launched a successful and sustained incursion into neighbouring Russia, a far bigger and much nastier country. Gains have been made in Russia's Kursk region which borders the Ukrainian Sumy oblast, where heavy fisticuffs and merciless gun-bashing had been taking place only months ago. Now, it seems, the momentum has been seized by the Ukrainians, who have advanced into the Russian village of Sudzha and reportedly set up a communal swimming pool, a bank, and a specialised training centre for badly behaved pets, all in the past seven days.
One Russian man who had witnessed armoured columns of Ukrainian fighting vehicles roll past his house spoke to the Wazz via instant messaging app Telegram, and gave us a detailed accounting of what he had seen:
"It was madness. The tanks just kept coming. I saw a truck that was just full of rubber bands. I think they want to make a big ball out of them and use it against us somehow. Another one was carrying a bunch of American guns which had been painted over to look like AK-47s, but there's only so much you can do to hide the shape I think. Some of the soldiers were carrying pastries with them that looked freshly made, and smelled very good, actually. I'm ashamed to say that I took one. I'm sorry to my fellow countrymen. I was weak. God forgive me."
Russian authorities have ordered an evacuation of the entire Kursk oblast in response to the invasion by Ukrainian troops. According to our sources inside Russia, this evacuation effort has been hamstrung by poor logistical planning, and the Russian forces have been giving wildly conflicting information to the evacuees.
According to various interviews we’ve conducted with the evacuated residents of Kursk on condition of anonymity, the reasons given by Russian soldiers for the evacuation have ranged from burst water pipes, clogged toilets and drains, a shortage of supermarket cola, bedbugs, and outbreaks of polio. One family was told that they were being taken to see a Blink-182 concert after having won a secret prize draw, whilst another was told that there was something they just "really, really needed to see" in the back of the truck.
Elsewhere, Russian military efforts to repel the incursion have not gone according to plan, as claimed by our senior military analysts. A detachment of reserve troops, redeployed from the frontline in Donbas to counter the incursion into Kursk, reportedly made a minor navigational error which resulted in them marching over 7,000 km north and east over the Bering Strait and into Alaska, where they were promptly detained by the US Coast Guard.
Additionally, a Russian armoured brigade observed moving northwest from a staging area in Belgorod reportedly mistook an improvised Red Cross hospital tent for a Ukrainian field command post. Russian servicemen proceeded to usher the occupants to a quiet area in order to be shelled, and only afterwards realised that they had spent the last of their ammunition reserves and were forced to turn back.
We will have more updates for you as soon as we have them.
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