Terrorism Act Set to Broaden to Include Vicars, Nurses and Primary School Teachers

By Jemima Thick

The government has today confirmed that the definition of terrorism in the United Kingdom will expand to include vicars, nurses, primary school teachers, conscientious objectors, the elderly, amateur dramatics societies, chimney sweeps and dog walkers, among various others.

The new bill, titled the Offline Safety Act, is set to receive royal assent in a matter of days. In a statement on Monday, Sir Keir Starmer reiterated the importance of updating the law surrounding terrorism to reflect Britain’s ever-changing threat landscape, and of demonstrating toughness and resolve against those that would harm the public through terror or terror-adjacent offences. The move has been sharply criticised by human rights groups both within the UK and around the world. 

Police in the UK are already said to be closely monitoring these new threats since the bill passed in the Lord’s chamber last month. When asked for examples, one officer described a suspected active terror cell in Eastbourne, consisting of a group of pensioners who meet weekly to play Scrabble. “We believe they are attempting to spell words the government would prefer not to exist,” said the officer in an anonymous interview conducted by our reporters. 

He went on to elaborate: “Clandestine meetings of this type are always a dead giveaway that something nefarious is going on, especially when board games are involved. First it’s Scrabble, which seems innocent enough, but then it moves on to Monopoly, whereupon a deep hatred for capitalism is fomented amongst the losing players who, thanks to the word-based game that preceded it, now know words like ‘exploitation’ and ‘oppression’. Finally, it moves on to Risk and the drawing up of fictional battle plans, sharpening their tactical instincts. I think we all know what happens next.”

Police watchdogs argue this is overreach, as well as patently insane - but ministers dismissed them as probably terrorists. Several watchdog bodies in the country have already been subject to subsequent harassment and invasive surveillance by the authorities. 

The mood of the general public is split on the issue. We spoke to Martin, a 54 year-old financier from Barking, who stated that the new bill was “probably a good thing”, and went on to elaborate: “If people have nothing to hide, they have nothing to fear. We respect laws in this country, even the crap ones. That’s what it means to be a proud Brit.” 

We also spoke to Sophie, a Year 7 pupil from Hull, aged 11, who painted a very different picture. She told our reporters that the new bill is “silly” and that the police should stop trying to arrest everyone. She has since been charged with allegedly aiding and abetting the Palestinian terror group Hamas, as well as their allies Hezbollah and al-Qaeda, using black market channels to procure volatile explosive compounds and weapon schematics to distribute amongst sleeper cells in the UK. 

Officials have also unveiled a new counter-terrorism acronym, CARE - Clergy, Accountants, Retirees, Educators - designed to help frontline officers quickly identify the sectors of society most likely to promote radicalisation and commit a terrorist offence. A Home Office spokesperson stressed that up to 40% of the population of the UK could now be investigated under the new framework, “which is a manageable number.” 

Independent analysts have weighed in to support the government’s line. Dr. James Wetherby of the Institute for National Security told reporters that ordinary knitting needles possess enough raw metal to be easily converted into shoulder-mounted missile launchers, with the capability to strike hardened targets at least twenty-five kilometres away. Consultants further warned that even toddlers posed a long-term radicalisation risk, due to early sharing behaviours which often develop into extremist collectivism if left unmanaged.

We will bring you more updates on this story as soon as I figure out why these angry traffic wardens keep knocking on my door.

Meta Announces ‘The Dominator’ VR Headset as part of ‘Masculine Energy’ Rebrand

By Alan Shrewsbury Meta’s next VR headset, The Dominator, will soon be hitting shelves, after CEO Mark Zuckerberg confirmed reports that early testing has concluded on the new product. The ‘virtual male wellness experience’, as it is being marketed, is not designed to immerse users in virtual worlds, but instead to indoctrinate them into Meta’s new highly masculine corporate ethos.

The Dominator headset is designed to fit over the entire head, rather than just the eyes and ears, and will feature no screen, no audio, and no content. Once placed securely upon the wearer’s head, a large bag of gravel will be poured in through an opening at the top. Upon successfully filling their helmets with gravel, users are then instructed to violently shake their head from side to side for an uninterrupted period of 42 minutes. Users who fail to complete this 42 minute exercise are instructed to remove the helmet, lie down, and pour a serving of complementary ‘failure sand’ directly into their mouth. 

“You wear it to know pain - to be intimate with it - in order to understand your limitations and therefore your potential”,  Zuckerberg said. “Our new gravel-powered male wellness technology allows us to explore our true selves in ways we never dreamed possible."

Surviving testers have described the experience as existentially disorienting, but ultimately positive. The bag of sand has seen particular discussion, with some testers remarking that it provides a genuine 'consequence' to lacking discipline.

“This is what’s missing for many of these ‘personal growth plans’ - there’s no consequence for failure” said another early tester, speaking to us from LA General Hospital through a text-to-speech voice modulator. “Well, the Dominator changes all that. It took me a few tries, a few cracked vertebrae, and quite a few lungfuls of sand - but I was finally able to reach the 42 minute mark. Meta has changed the game in the wellspace*, and I’m proud to say that for the first time, I’ve achieved my goals. Have you?”

“We’ve moved beyond the digital world,” Zuckerberg explained in a press conference whilst dressed in period-accurate Samurai garb and wearing The Dominator on his head, flanked by two assistants with sealed packets of gravel and sand. “This is about the real world. The world of cold, hard truths, where you either survive the grind, or you don’t. That’s what Meta is all about now. Strength.”

Zuckerberg then proceeded with a demonstration of the product for 19 minutes before collapsing onstage, where he was promptly airlifted to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. He has since been discharged with only a minor concussion. The assistant carrying the packet of sand had to be physically restrained and is currently facing felony charges of battery on an emergency worker.

Meta’s corporate rebrand of ‘masculine energy’ marks a sharp departure from its previous DEI-led approach to business. Staff are no longer encouraged to express feelings in meetings, unless those feelings are dominance, triumph, or the deep, inner calm that follows a successful hunt. We’ve also received reports that the company’s mindfulness app has been reprogrammed to use subliminal messaging to implant combat suggestions in staff. Additionally, we’re hearing that Meta’s boardroom in Menlo Park has been transformed into a wrestling arena.

If this is true, it aligns with other reports that female employees have been removed from the premises entirely, since women would likely be deemed unfit to share a workspace with shirtless men rolling around on the floor, panting and moaning. A Meta spokesperson seemingly confirmed the removal, stating that female staff had brought ‘too much girly energy,’ which made Meta’s offices ‘too gay.’

Zuckerberg himself declined to comment, instead posting an Instagram reel in which he stares blankly at the camera for seventeen seconds before cracking a boiled egg on his bandaged forehead. He then inserts his testicles into a convection microwave before the video abruptly ends. Concern for his mental state has since grown.

We will bring more updates once I finish my protein shake.

*believed to be a portmanteau of 'wellness' and 'space'.

Just Stop Oil protestors to face death penalty in new bill.

By Jemima Thick

In a move that has shocked civil rights groups around the world, the UK government has today announced a new bill titled ‘The Commuter Safety and Inconvenience Protection Act 2025’ which threatens to impose the death penalty for any act of protest or civil disobedience that impedes the flow of traffic on Britain’s roads. 

This bill, should it become law, stipulates a severe method of capital punishment for oil based protest crimes, taking the form of death by drowning. This would involve the offender being waterboarded live on television by popular new Noel Edmonds character ‘Mr. Barrely’, a delightful oil-drum shaped children’s entertainment mascot provided to ITV by a sponsorship deal with fossil fuel conglomerate ExxonMobil.

Should this deal be unsuccessful, a alternative secondary method has been proposed, involving the accused climate protestor being tied up, gagged, and forced to watch as their favourite shale gas deposits are ruthlessly fracked until their silly effete emotions about the environment overwhelm them, and cause them to die from a broken heart (a final shot to the head is administered in cases where this is nonviable). 

Police have also been given broad new powers. Climate protestors who are unable to be arrested due to having glued themselves to objects or surfaces will be peacefully decommissioned by a specialist team of highly trained police snipers, whom the Government have promised will be installed at every roadway, thoroughfare and pedestrian footpath in the UK. These so-called 'gluesniffers', officially designated as the Tactical Adhesive Response and Neutralisation Squad (TARNS), have been given broad powers to terminate glue-based protestors and suspected Affirmative Action Adhesive Abusers (AAAAs) with extreme prejudice.

Specialised munitions, such as explosive and incendiary bullets, are to be used to break up small clusters of gluers who have stopped traffic on a major road, such as an A-road or dual carriageway. Once neutralised, the bodies of these decommissioned glue-bandits will then simply be flattened into a disc and paved over with fresh tarmac, where they will serve new social utility as commemorative speed bumps to deter future activism.

When it comes to vital infrastructure, such as the M1 or M25 motorways, gluers will be subject to Kamikaze suicide attacks by the Royal Air Force. Special planes will be deliberately engineered to seek out glue and then crash into it, utilising so-called 'gluesniffing' technology, such as the Glue-Oriented Offensive Navigation System.

'GOONS' has reportedly been vital in upgrading the glue-based detection apparatus of flight computers: A modern RAF Typhoon jet, outfitted with a state-of-the-art GOONS tracking module, can sniff out any type of glue and autonomously redirect its flight trajectory to the target source up to a range of 4000 miles.

Minor offenders, such as small children openly carrying tubes of Pritt-Stick, will only be arrested and indefinitely detained in an undisclosed location until a scheduled judicial review. In cases of a significant low-priority glue disturbance, such as a primary school art project, children will be pacified on sight with less-lethal means, such as water cannons, tear gas and rubber bullets. Parents are entitled to compensation for injury to the child, and upon a successful claim, the Government has pledged to issue a replacement child of equal or greater value within 6–8 weeks.

The new law has already passed its first reading in the House of Commons, and sentencing is expected to begin by the end of the week. Existing protestors who have already been jailed face having their cases retried to assess eligibility for the death penalty. Protestors who have already served their sentence and been released are facing new legislation which includes a government tax on breathing air and eating edible food - those lucky enough to have found employment after release face their income being slashed by as much as 300%, depending on factors such as how much air they choose to breathe. 

Rumours have surfaced that the government is considering offering a special financial reward for anyone who can produce solid proof, or an otherwise convincing anecdote, that they’ve been inconvenienced by a protestor who dares to speak about issues relating to the environment. Submissions have already opened on the Daily Mail’s website, and the comments sections are already awash with intellectuals engaging in civil, polite discussion and constructive debate. 

More on this story to follow. 

Workplace 'boredom' epidemic on the rise

by Jemima Thick

Find yourself bored in the workplace, sitting at your desk and scrolling through your phone endlessly? You’re not the only one. A sharp rise in ‘workplace boredom’ has driven many Gen Z job-hoppers into despondency as they complain about the lack of fulfilling tasks in their corporate, white-collar office jobs, and a growing chorus of workers are crying out for a greater emphasis on more meaningful uses of their time at work. 

That’s it. That’s the story. What, you wanted more? You wanted more from me? Let me tell you something, dear reader - right now, I’m the one who’s bored. That’s right. I’m bored of YOU.

Look - I’m a freelance journalist. I write for various newspapers, magazines and online blogs in my spare time, because I don’t consider time to be ‘spare’ at all. See, that’s the difference between you and me. I actually do things with the time I have away from my day job clerking at a stationery company, because I’m an industrious, hard-working and restless sort of person; in short, the complete opposite of whatever you are or could possibly become. I don’t get bored, because I consider boredom to simply be a failure to utilise one’s intelligence and creativity to occupy one’s time. 

Let’s instead shift the narrative around ‘workplace boredom’ to something which I think is more apt -  ‘creative failure’. Some might call Ted Kaczyinski a terrorist - and they’re right - but one thing you definitely cannot call him is ‘idle’. In his downtime, was he sitting there complaining online about his lack of fulfilment at work? No! He learned a new skill, honed it to a fine craft, and then mailed that skill to various important politicians and businessmen, only occasionally stopping to dribble over himself and smear the walls with faeces. 

Was he also an interior decorator? No. Not at all. That’s not decoration, that’s just poo-smearing tomfoolery. I would never equate those two acts within the same category, as I know some very hard-working interior decorators and they’ve been very clear with me that none of their duties involve that kind of behaviour. But the point to illustrate here is that even the most mentally dispossessed people among us still find ways to fight boredom, and fight it effectively. 

Complaining about being bored online is more or less the same as Ted Kaczyinski smearing faeces on the wall, just in a digital format. I have no desire to read the slew of faecal matter that’s been posted online about workplace boredom - YOU need to think about what YOU can do to address it.

I’ve gone through the trouble of writing some suggestions for the uber-complainers who just can’t think for themselves. These may vary depending on what occupation you have, so apply the ones which best fit your current working environment:

• Bring a book to work. 

• Trim your fringe. 

• Empty the bins. 

• Learn a new skill. 

• Stand in the corner and face the wall until someone stops you. 

• Draw attention to flaws in the workplace and email it to your boss. 

• Place the kitchen mugs in an inconvenient location. 

• Moult. 

• Assign personalities to your stationery. 

• Declare your personal sovereignty from the government.  

• Monitor the workplace for signs of unionism.

• Form an anti-union union. 

• Seat yourself on another’s desk. 

• Form a regular union.

• Lock yourself inside the tea cupboard. 

• Amalgamate all known unions into one super-union. 

• Announce to your colleagues that ‘plans are in motion’.

• Yoga.

You don’t necessarily have to do all these things - but for God’s sake, do SOMETHING. I warn you - the next time I see a tweet about how bored you are at work, I will personally hunt you down and  rearrange your face. There will be no safe haven for you on this Earth, mark my words. I will call down holy thunder from on high to smite you and everyone you’ve ever loved. I will drain your life force and place it into a small bucket underneath my airing cupboard until it matures into a foetid chemical mixture of your hopes and dreams, which I will then pour into my neighbours downstairs toilet. You will know no peace as long as I live.

Take care, and stay creative. It's for your own good.

The August Advice Column - Freeloading Filius!

By Hadrian Flails Agony Aunt

As the month of August draws to a close, we've received a couple of missives from our readers asking for advice about their various problems. This service is open to all our readers - don't be afraid to send your questions in!

"Dear Agony Aunt,

I’m a 54 year old stay-at-home single mum. My son is 28, and he’s still living with me. He refuses to search for a job to contribute to household costs, and spends all his time gaming on his computer. He often sleeps in until 2 in the afternoon, sometimes even later, and he can be very rude. How do I tell him that his behaviour needs to change?"

Hey hey. Sounds like you’ve got a seriously bad case of freeloading son syndrome. Not to worry. Doctor Hadrian Flails MD is here to perform his own personal brand of invasive problem-surgery to cure your terrible problem!

First, let’s start with the basics. You need to learn how to assert yourself and lay down the law. Too often, I see well-meaning parents that are too timid to actually have a frank conversation with their kids about what’s acceptable and what is not, and this leads to problem behaviour down the line once they reach adulthood. 

To start with, you need to be hitting the weight rack. Start going to the gym and training your chest, biceps, quads and lats, as you’re going to need the extra muscle mass to be able to successfully intimidate your son into following the rules. Men follow strength - it’s a universal code - so he must fear you if you expect him to fall in line. 

Once you’ve built up enough mass, you can start applying some classic techniques to enforce order in your household. Every morning at 7am sharp, try pounding on his bedroom door exactly three times in quick succession, preferably accompanied by some sort of whistle-instrument, to shake your son out of bed. Hand him a list of daily tasks that must be completed by noon; these can be simple things such as filing your tax returns, or more complicated tasks like turning a domestic water wheel to generate electricity. 

To address the problem gaming, an effective technique would be to sit behind him and provide consistent negative reinforcement as he’s playing the game. You’re going to need to research what the game is about in order to do this effectively - if it’s a competitive game such as FIFA or Call of Duty, you should provide bad advice often and loudly to your son in order to fool him into making a mistake. If it’s more story driven or cinematic, read spoilers online and then deliver them to your son at crucial moments. For example, if a character is going to commit a betrayal later on, make sure your son is aware of this from the moment that character is introduced into the story. Eventually, this pattern of negative reinforcement will condition your son into becoming too fed up with games to play them anymore. 

After this is addressed, we can move on to the final step - getting a job. The best way to do this would be to form your own multi-level marketing company with a few trusted friends who communicate entirely via WhatsApp, and then offer your son a position at the company. In order to cut costs, I recommend an unpaid internship, as this will teach him a valuable lesson in managing his expectations. Over time, gradually decrease the standards of your working environment to intolerable levels until he is inspired to pursue a better opportunity elsewhere. 

Congratulations; you’ve turned your failing whelp into a hardened job-hunting machine who wakes up on time, shuns the distractions, and has the right motivation to succeed. If at any point he starts sliding back into old habits, just flex your pectorals at him until he rights himself. In a couple of months time, you’ll be rid of that freeloader and you can finally get back to your regular routine. 

Good luck to you!

The August Advice Column - Cooking Calamity!

By Hadrian Flails Agony Aunt

As the month of August draws to a close, we've received a couple of missives from our readers asking for advice about their problems. This service is open to all our readers - don't be afraid to send your questions in!

"Dear Agony Aunt,
I promised my wife I would cook dinner for every day of the week after the 21st, but now that the 22nd has rolled around, I find myself lacking the energy and enthusiasm necessary to cook for every single night for the rest of the month, as I had promised. What should I do?"

Hi there. Thanks for reaching out to The Wazz. This sounds like a classic case of malingering to me, and were you under my command, I’d have you taken out back and shot for gross dereliction of duty. Ha!

In a relationship, it’s vitally important that you maintain the trust between you and your partner, so if you say you’re going to do something, you should go through with it. Your partner is going to come home tonight and find out that you haven’t cooked the dinner as you promised you would, and she is going to be rather upset. 

There’s only one way to re-establish the trust that you’ve violated - invest, invest, invest. If you can make a splash on the stock market with a high-risk, high-reward trade, neither of you will ever have to cook dinner again. You’ll get your own personal poor person to cook it for you, and their rustic culinary flair, honed through years of a hardscrabble life on the poverty line, will have you eating soul food jambalaya rich in flavour every night of the week. 

You and your partner can relax and kick your feet up on your own private jet to the Bahamas, and this unfortunate episode will become a mere footnote to your gargantuan success. Remember - fortune favours the bold. Find that hot stock and lock in that trade, right now. Don’t worry about the margins - read between them. That’s why they’re called ‘margins’ in the first place!

As rioting grips Britain, leading experts say that we must find a way to allay the public's fears over immigration.

By Alan Shrewsbury

It's no secret that the United Kingdom has been anything but united as of late. Rioting, looting, and scenes of violent disorder have been perpetrated by elements of the far-right, which tell us that the public mood in Britain has deeply soured on the governments approach to immigration. Muslimophobia, once simply a fringe idea-ology, has now become widespread, with the flames of chaos fanned by far-right food and drink brands such as Robinson's (known for supermarket squash and other beverages) as well as prominent restauranteurs, such as Nigel Farage. According to research conducted by The Wazz, the number of people in the UK naming their babies 'Nigel Farage', a relatively uncommon baby name, has seen a sharp uptick by almost 243% since the riots began and shows no sign of abating. 

So why all this doom and gloom? The answer is simple. The UK establishment has continually let down the British people by selling thousands of luxury yachts to impoverished refugees, who then use those very same yachts to sail across the Channel, right back to the UK. When questioned on the decision to provide asylum seekers with such ostentatious means of transportation, the Home Office simply stated the following:

"If those refugees were able to have a taste of the high life, then once they are on British shores and thrown back into abject poverty, they would be inspired to integrate into our country in order to earn enough money to afford their own yacht. It's social mobility 101, guys. Come on."

Public outcry against this policy has only intensified in recent months. Some prominent individuals are arguing that we must find a way to engage with those who are out rioting, lend a listening ear to those disaffected voices, and maybe - just maybe - change their mind. 

One idea proposed by notable intellectuals, such as social media influencers and opinion columnists, has been 'radical acceptance'. The idea posits that we simply have a sit-down with rioters (this writer has a preference for comfy sofas! Ha!) with the hope of allowing them to give their side of the story in an effort to prevent these social divisions from literally tearing apart and ripping out bloody chunks of flesh from the fabric of our society. Lending a listening ear in a non-judgemental, conciliatory and anti-inflammatory fashion is hardly a novel idea, but does Westminster have the guts to do it?

We didn't wait to find out. The capable, intrepid reporters at The Daily Wazz took it upon themselves to interview the rioters. 

We went to Merseyside and spoke to a bitter, angry and disenfranchised young man who had voiced his anger at an uncaring political class by breaking into a pet shop and setting several hamsters on fire, before promptly urinating on their charred remains. We wanted to know his thoughts about the divisive policies and political context which had led to him doing such a provocative act of dirty protest. At his request, we have kept him anonymous: 

"Well, it's like this, right - bloody Muslamics are coming over 'ere, turning Merseyside into Merseysidistan. We used to have a KFC on the high street, but now it's been replaced by three mosques and a training camp. My 3 month old said his first words to me the other day, and it was "Allahu Akbar", proper pronunciation and all. That pet shop used to stock regular old-fashioned British hamsters, now it stocks bloody "Syrian" hamsters. You tell me what the problem is, mate! By the way, my name is Freddy Cartwright, what's yours?"

Sobering, if crude words, from a man who has been driven to the edge through profound disillusionment with multiculturalism and ill-conceived integration policies. We then travelled to Rotherham to get a second opinion and found another young man who had hurled faeces and bottles of wee-wee at an orthodox church that he had mistaken for a mosque. As he was wearing his underpants on his head, we found it difficult to understand what he was saying to us, so an expert from our 'Helpful Speculation' division has provided a transcription based on what we believe he would have said, had he not chosen to wear his underpants on his head. The following transcription is extensively researched and informed by the wider socio-political context that has underpinned many of these violent episodes:

"This act of vandalism, in which I hurled human excreta at an orthodox church (which I had mistakenly believed to be a mosque), might appear to be thuggish and outrageous at a glance, but it is actually the result of a far deeper issue. The British public have been let down time and time again by the last 20 years of government. Our local councils and our public services are underfunded and struggling to cope, and we feel that our anger, although misplaced at a blameless minority, are representative of a deep and long-simmering disappointment at the establishment for continually ignoring the will of the British people."

"I wish Keir Starmer and his new Labour government all the best, but I must politely insist on clearer communication and concrete policies for how the UK is going to address the immigration crisis."

That's all for now. We are currently en-route to Manchester and will have more on this story for you as soon as possible. In the meantime, stay safe, stay warm, and stay empathetic. We know you can do it.