Terrorism Act Set to Broaden to Include Vicars, Nurses and Primary School Teachers

By Jemima Thick

The government has today confirmed that the definition of terrorism in the United Kingdom will expand to include vicars, nurses, primary school teachers, conscientious objectors, the elderly, amateur dramatics societies, chimney sweeps and dog walkers, among various others.

The new bill, titled the Offline Safety Act, is set to receive royal assent in a matter of days. In a statement on Monday, Sir Keir Starmer reiterated the importance of updating the law surrounding terrorism to reflect Britain’s ever-changing threat landscape, and of demonstrating toughness and resolve against those that would harm the public through terror or terror-adjacent offences. The move has been sharply criticised by human rights groups both within the UK and around the world. 

Police in the UK are already said to be closely monitoring these new threats since the bill passed in the Lord’s chamber last month. When asked for examples, one officer described a suspected active terror cell in Eastbourne, consisting of a group of pensioners who meet weekly to play Scrabble. “We believe they are attempting to spell words the government would prefer not to exist,” said the officer in an anonymous interview conducted by our reporters. 

He went on to elaborate: “Clandestine meetings of this type are always a dead giveaway that something nefarious is going on, especially when board games are involved. First it’s Scrabble, which seems innocent enough, but then it moves on to Monopoly, whereupon a deep hatred for capitalism is fomented amongst the losing players who, thanks to the word-based game that preceded it, now know words like ‘exploitation’ and ‘oppression’. Finally, it moves on to Risk and the drawing up of fictional battle plans, sharpening their tactical instincts. I think we all know what happens next.”

Police watchdogs argue this is overreach, as well as patently insane - but ministers dismissed them as “probably terrorists”. Several watchdog bodies in the country have already been subject to subsequent harassment and invasive surveillance by the authorities. 

The mood of the general public is split on the issue. We spoke to Martin, a 54 year-old financier from Barking, who stated that the new bill was “probably a good thing”, and went on to elaborate: “If people have nothing to hide, they have nothing to fear. We respect laws in this country, even the crap ones. That’s what it means to be a proud Brit.” 

We also spoke to Sophie, a Year 7 pupil from Hull, aged 11, who painted a very different picture. She told our reporters that the new bill is “silly” and that the police should stop trying to arrest everyone. She has since been charged with allegedly aiding and abetting the Palestinian terror group Hamas, as well as their allies Hezbollah and al-Qaeda, using black market channels to procure volatile explosive compounds and weapon schematics to distribute amongst sleeper cells in the UK. 

Officials have also unveiled a new counter-terrorism acronym, CARE - Clergy, Accountants, Retirees, Educators - designed to help frontline officers quickly identify the sectors of society most likely to promote radicalisation and commit a terrorist offence. A Home Office spokesperson stressed that up to 40% of the population of the UK could now be investigated under the new framework, “which is a manageable number.” 

Independent analysts have weighed in to support the government’s line. Dr. James Wetherby of the Institute for National Security told reporters that ordinary knitting needles possess enough raw metal to be easily converted into shoulder-mounted missile launchers, with the capability to strike hardened targets at least twenty-five kilometres away. Consultants further warned that even toddlers posed a long-term radicalisation risk, due to early sharing behaviours which often develop into extremist collectivism if left unmanaged.

Tabloid coverage has been swift, with the Daily Express running a front-page headline asking “Is Your Nan Building a Bomb?” . One pensioner, cautioned by police, admitted to using compost in her front garden which experts described as “indistinguishable from chemical weapon precursors.” Ministers reassured the public that “most law-abiding citizens will only be stopped and searched a few dozen times a week.” and that we should all carry on as normal. 

We will bring you more updates on this story as soon as I figure out why these angry traffic wardens keep knocking on my door.

Meta Announces ‘The Dominator’ VR Headset as part of ‘Masculine Energy’ Rebrand

By Alan Shrewsbury Meta’s next VR headset, The Dominator, will soon be hitting shelves, after CEO Mark Zuckerberg confirmed reports that early testing has concluded on the new product. The ‘virtual male wellness experience’, as it is being marketed, is not designed to immerse users in virtual worlds, but instead to indoctrinate them into Meta’s new corporate ethos of raw, unfiltered masculine energy.

Rather than just the eyes and ears, The Dominator headset is designed to fit over the entire head, and will feature no screen, no audio, and no content. Once placed securely upon the wearer’s head, a large bag of gravel will be poured in through an opening at the top. Upon successfully filling their helmets with gravel, users are then instructed to violently shake their head from side to side for an uninterrupted period of 42 minutes. Users who fail to complete this 42 minute exercise are instructed to remove the helmet, lie down, and pour a serving of complementary ‘failure sand’ directly into their mouth. 

“You wear it to know pain. That’s manly. That’s the future”,  Zuckerberg said. “Our new gravel-powered male wellness technology allows us to explore our manliness, our minds and our bodies in new ways we never thought possible.”

Surviving testers have described the experience as “existentially disorienting” and “like a mild concussion, but with more emphasis on personal growth.” The bag of sand provides what testers call “a genuine consequence” should a user fail to achieve their personal growth goals.

“This is what’s missing for many of these ‘personal growth plans’ - there’s no consequence for failure” said another early tester, speaking to us from LA General Hospital through a text-to-speech voice modulator. “Well, the Dominator changes all that. It took me a few tries, a few cracked vertebrae, and quite a few lungfuls of sand - but I was finally able to reach the 42 minute mark. Meta has changed the game in the wellspace*, and I’m proud to say that for the first time, I’ve achieved my goals. Have you?”

Meta has explicitly stated that the goal of The Dominator is not to entertain, but to “forge” the user into a stronger, more resolute individual. The instruction manual, written in a minimalist style, simply reads: “Grind. Survive. Transcend.”, as well as demonstrational graphics on optimum form, head-shake ferocity, and timekeeping. 

“We’ve moved beyond the digital world,” Zuckerberg explained in a press conference whilst dressed in period-accurate Samurai garb and wearing The Dominator on his head, flanked by two assistants with sealed packets of gravel and sand. “This is about the real world. The world of cold, hard truths, where you either survive the grind, or you don’t. That’s what Meta is all about now. Strength.”

Zuckerberg then proceeded with a demonstration of the product for 19 minutes before collapsing onstage, where he was promptly airlifted to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. He has since been discharged with only a minor concussion. The assistant carrying the packet of sand had to be physically restrained and is currently facing felony charges of battery on an emergency worker.

Meta’s corporate rebrand of ‘masculine energy’ marks a sharp departure from its previous DEI-led approach to business. Staff are no longer encouraged to express feelings in meetings, unless those feelings are dominance, triumph, or the deep, inner calm that follows a successful hunt. We’ve also received reports that the company’s mindfulness app has been reprogrammed to use subliminal messaging to implant combat suggestions in staff. Additionally, we’re hearing that Meta’s boardroom in Menlo Park has been transformed into a wrestling arena.

If this is true, it aligns with other reports that female employees have been removed from the premises entirely, since women would likely be deemed unfit to share a workspace with shirtless men rolling around on the floor, panting and moaning. A Meta spokesperson seemingly confirmed the removal, stating that female staff had brought ‘too much girly energy,’ which made Meta’s offices ‘too gay.’

Zuckerberg himself declined to comment, instead posting an Instagram reel in which he stares blankly at the camera for seventeen seconds before cracking a boiled egg on his bandaged forehead. He then inserts his testicles into a convection microwave before the video abruptly ends. Concern for his mental state has since grown.

We will bring more updates once I finish my protein shake.

*believed to be a portmanteau of 'wellness' and 'space'.

Just Stop Oil protestors to face death penalty in new bill.

By Jemima Thick

In a move that has shocked civil rights groups around the world, the UK government has today announced a new bill titled ‘The Commuter Safety and Inconvenience Protection Act 2025’ which threatens to impose the death penalty for any act of protest or civil disobedience that impedes the flow of traffic on Britain’s roads. 

Should this bill become law, any protestors caught causing “mild inconvenience”—defined by the government as anything beyond a 0.5-second delay in the journey of a middle-class commuter—would face immediate execution.  Methods of termination will be chosen based on the severity of the disruption caused or how much the protestor annoys the judge.

Aside from the standard execution by firing squad outlined in the bill, more severe methods for particularly annoying or disruptive protests include death by drowning, which would involve the offender being waterboarded live on television by popular new Noel Edmonds character ‘Mr. Barrely’, a delightful oil-drum shaped children’s entertainment mascot provided to ITV by a sponsorship deal with fossil fuel conglomerate ExxonMobil.

Another ‘special’ method involves the accused climate protestor being tied up, gagged, and forced to watch as their favourite shale gas deposits are ruthlessly fracked until their silly effete emotions about the environment overwhelm them, and cause them to die from a broken heart (a final shot to the head is administered in cases where this is nonviable). 

Under the terms of the proposed bill, climate protestors who are unable to be arrested due to having glued themselves to objects or surfaces will be peacefully decommissioned by a specialist team of highly trained SAS snipers, whom the Government have promised will be installed at every roadway, thoroughfare and pedestrian footpath in the UK. These so-called 'gluesniffers', officially designated as the Tactical Adhesive Response and Neutralisation Squad (TARNS), have been given broad powers to terminate glue-based protestors and suspected Affirmative Action Adhesive Abusers (AAAAs) with extreme prejudice.

Rules of engagement mandate that specialised munitions, such as explosive and incendiary bullets, are to be used to break up small clusters of gluers who have stopped traffic on a major road, such as an A-road or dual carriageway. Once neutralised, the bodies of these decommissioned glue-bandits will then simply be flattened into a disc and paved over with fresh tarmac, where they will serve new social utility as commemorative speed bumps to deter future activism.

When it comes to vital infrastructure, such as the M1 or M25 motorways, gluers will be subject to Kamikaze suicide attacks by the RAF, using special planes deliberately engineered to seek out glue and then crash into it. Gluesniffing technology, including the Glue-Oriented Offensive Navigation System (GOONS), has been vital in upgrading the glue-based detection apparatus of flight computers: A modern RAF Typhoon jet, outfitted with a state-of-the-art GOONS tracking module, can sniff out any type of glue and autonomously redirect its flight trajectory to the target source up to a range of 4000 miles.

Minor offenders, such as small children openly carrying tubes of Pritt-Stick, will only be arrested and indefinitely detained in an undisclosed location until a scheduled judicial review. In cases of a significant low-priority glue disturbance, such as a primary school art project, children will be pacified on sight with less-lethal means, such as water cannons, tear gas and rubber bullets. Parents are entitled to compensation for injury to the child, and upon a successful claim, the Government has pledged to issue a replacement child of equal or greater value within 6–8 weeks.

The bill’s sponsors stress that these measures are necessary for the nation’s wellbeing. “We cannot have these people blocking the roads,” one government official stated. “I mean, who does that? Who thinks they can just glue themselves to the asphalt and hold up a £200,000 Porsche? It’s madness. And my God, they’re just so annoying. I was made late for my appointment with a Latina prostitute because some do-gooder wants to talk my ear off with some boring nonsense about the imminent societal collapse we all face should inaction on the climate continue, or something boring like that. She came all the way from Argentina, too. I say kill ‘em all.” 

Additional amendments to the bill are already being proposed. If a protestor attempts to engage in simple conversation about climate change, either amongst themselves or to actual real people, that too should be grounds for immediate execution, according to Conservative MP and opposition leader Kemi Badenoch.

“There’s a quiet dignity in farmers blockading entire cities with their massive tractors”, Badenoch said in a statement to the House of Commons today. “When a group of annoying young people, lesbians, and art teachers do it, it might not result in severe economic and infrastructural disruption in quite the same way, but the fact that they have ideas, beliefs, and principles, and the fact that they try to spread those ideas to others, is just a bridge too far for our country.”

Former Prime Minister Boris Johnson called the bill “a genuine leap forward in moral leadership”.

“This isn’t about roads,” he said. “It’s about power. And cars. And cars with power.” He then added, “Imagine you’re on your way to a garden party in your Aston Martin, a common and normal experience for the everyday Brit, and—wham—some eco-warrior has glued themselves to the tarmac. What are you supposed to do? Stop for a chat about the environment? No, no, no. What they need is a real lesson in British values. Sadly, this exact scenario I just described happens all the time, constantly, and we’ve all had enough.”

Dr. Harold Forecastle, author of Amazon e-book ‘The Climate Scam’ and prominent climate change denier who is also inexplicably a doctor and university professor, took to Instagram to congratulate the UK government from his California home, heralding their “bold new legislation”, which will be guaranteed to “teach the woke commie liberal lefty Jewminati a lesson in manners” . However, due to an outbreak of intense wildfires currently ravaging the state, he could not be reached for further comment.

The new law has already passed its first reading in the House of Commons, and sentencing is expected to begin by the end of the week. Existing protestors who have already been jailed face having their cases retried to assess eligibility for the death penalty. Protestors who have already served their sentence and been released are facing new legislation which includes a government tax on breathing air and eating edible food - those lucky enough to have found employment after release face their income being slashed by as much as 300%, depending on factors such as how much air they choose to breathe. 

Rumours have surfaced that the government is considering offering a special financial reward for anyone who can produce solid proof, or an otherwise convincing anecdote, that they’ve been inconvenienced by a protestor who dares to speak about issues relating to the environment. Submissions have already opened on the Daily Mail’s website, and the comments sections are already awash with intellectuals engaging in civil, polite discussion and constructive debate. 

More on this story to follow. 

Trump slaps tariffs on Mars

By Jemima Thick

In a shocking and unprecedented move, US President Donald Trump has announced sweeping 70% tariffs on all imports from Mars, claiming that the red planet has been “engaging in the worst trade scam in galactic history.”

Speaking from a hastily assembled press conference, flanked by two men in ill-fitting astronaut suits, Trump accused the Martian government of operating a "massive interplanetary con job", taking advantage of America’s generosity while refusing to contribute to the "America First" economic model.

In a Truth Social post yesterday evening, Trump stated:

"Look at the size of Mars. It’s just sitting up there, doing absolutely nothing. And while we’re up here, paying for rockets and probes, they’re just holding on to everything. And now we’re going to make them pay. Just like we did with China. Only better."

According to unnamed “very powerful” sources, Trump suggested that Mars is secretly running a shadow economy and "hoarding all the good minerals" while America foots the bill for exploration. He cited "some people" who have told him that Mars is sitting on "huge, tremendous, unbelievable mineral reserves," but refuse to share because they “love communism."

Economists were left scratching their heads, as Mars is not widely known for having a functioning economy, trade routes, or air. Despite this, Trump insisted the tariffs would generate "billions, maybe trillions, maybe more numbers than you’ve ever heard of” in revenue.

The announcement comes just a day after Trump announced sweeping tariffs on many countries around the world, including China, the United Kingdom, France, and Antarctica. The Antarctic Provisional Government, already wracked with internal strife due to deepening divisions between the warring penguin clans, has faced even further destabilisation due to Trump’s 30% tariffs on automobile and uranium exports. 

One scientist stationed at a frigid Antarctic research base reports that several gatherings of Chinstrap penguins have congregated around a large snow effigy of the United States flag, and are taking turns violently pecking it in a ritualistic display of anti-Western protest, making vocalisations which sound suspiciously similar to ‘Praise Allah!'. This report could not be independently verified, but it’s big if true.

NASA, meanwhile, released a brief statement in response to Trump’s announcement that simply read: "We don't know how to respond to this." Early reports are already emerging that subsequent to this statement, NASA is in the process of being dismantled. The Perseverance Rover, currently stationed on Mars, was reported to have autonomously tripped itself over a small rock in what scientists believe may have been an attempt to self-terminate.

Trump, unfazed, concluded his speech by outlining his next steps.

"Saturn is next. You see all those rings? Who’s paying for those? We’re getting absolutely fleeced here. Not anymore, folks. Not anymore."

The international community has been largely silent on the issue, with one exception: Elon Musk, who upon hearing the news reportedly sighed, closed his laptop, and walked directly into the sea, rendering him unable to be reached for comment.

The Martian government has yet to respond.

April's Opinion Piece -- "I used to think 'crank calls' were juvenile and moronic - that was before I made one of my own."

By Hadrian Flails

What is it that first springs to mind when one reflects on the ancient art of the crank call? Surely, we all recall with a certain nostalgic fondness those halcyon days of youth when Bart Simpson, in his mischievous yet undeniably endearing way, would dial up Moe’s Tavern and ask the beleaguered bartender whether a host of ludicrous names—“Al Coholic,” anyone?—were in attendance. It was a moment of adolescent rebellion, a trifling bit of delinquency that was as amusing as it was harmless. Yes, there were those of us—perhaps even some of you—who, in our own youth, indulged in such antics. But as we age and our horizons expand, so too does our sense of propriety, and one cannot help but wonder: why do we take such unholy delight in watching the suffering of others, even in its most benign form?

For most, the thought of actually placing a crank call today would feel like an act of social heresy, a breach of decorum. The younger generation, burdened with the ennui of modern life and a delicate sense of propriety, can scarcely summon the courage to place a simple order over the phone—let alone harass some unsuspecting soul with cruel and thoughtless prattle.. And yet, for reasons unfathomable to the better angels of our nature, prank call videos—those digital artifacts of frivolity and mockery—continue to amass millions of views on YouTube. It is as though we, too noble and refined to engage in such behaviour ourselves, derive a peculiar, almost perverse satisfaction from observing the unbridled foolishness of others.

Some of these prank calls are so offensive, they border on the grotesque: the unmistakable din of insipid "rap" music blaring through the phone’s crackling receiver, or the cruel, almost barbaric sound of a small rodent’s final moments, captured in grisly detail and transmitted from rural Florida to a remote bed and breakfast in South Yorkshire. And yet, despite these moments of sheer depravity, the majority of these pranks occupy a middle ground, where the victim, understandably frustrated, is reduced to issuing empty threats—“Hang up or I’ll call the police!”—while the caller, in a truly astonishing display of obstinate persistence, dares them to carry through on their word.

I must admit—there is something strangely sublime, even majestic, in the way such chaos unfolds. The interplay between confusion, exasperation, and petty cruelty forms a kind of dissonant symphony, one that, when properly attuned to, offers a fleeting moment of pure comedic ecstasy. And yet, for all that, I have always maintained that there is something deeply problematic, even morally reprehensible, in the practice of harassing others for no other reason than our own amusement. It is an act of cruelty that takes root in the bored, the idle, and those too frivolous to care about the human toll of their actions. This is not behavior that should be lauded; it is something that should be condemned. Or so I believed, until, quite unexpectedly, one week ago today, I made my very first crank call.

As an elder gentleman of 62, it is not always easy to keep one's finger on the pulse of modern humour. The world spins ever faster, and the tricks of youth seem to slip through one's fingers like sand. But on this particular day, driven by some mysterious impulse, I resolved to trust my instincts. After a few sets of press-ups, some abdominal crunches, and a glass of milk (warm, of course) to steady my nerves, I picked up the phone and dialled the number for Papa John’s pizza outlet in Wyoming, US. “Do you have pizzas?” I asked. The answer was, unsurprisingly, “Of course we do; this is a pizza joint.” “That’s good,” I responded, my voice thick and buttery with satisfaction, with a dignity befitting my station, before promptly hanging up and dissolving into a fit of raucous laughter. And so, with my amusement bubbling over, I was compelled to perform several squat-thrusts in celebration.

Feeling emboldened by this minor triumph, I pressed on, dialling the NYPD’s main office in New York. I informed the officer on the other end of the line that I had witnessed a caped vigilante, a hero for our times, running through the streets at night, delivering swift justice to the criminal underworld. I expressed both admiration and a cautious scepticism for his actions, questioning the role of vigilantes in a society governed by law. The officer, rightly, admonished me for wasting police time. But, ever the prankster, I quickly escalated matters, dropping a well-timed bomb threat—just a joke, of course—that silenced her immediately.

And so it went. After a few more sets of pull-ups, I dialled a Christian hotline, eager to test the limits of my absurdity. As I chanted a string of Hebrew words at the poor vicar on the other end. “אִתְקָרְב תּוּרַת קָדָם דַּרְכָּא שְׁמצֵא חָשָׁךְ,” I intoned with a gravitas that even I could not ignore. I could barely contain my laughter when he informed me, with all the long suffering weariness of a man who had surely heard it all, that I had unwittingly subscribed to their newsletter.

In that fleeting moment, I was Bart Simpson—delighting in the misfortune of others, revelling in my own audacity. It leads me to ask: is there not, deep within us all, a hint of Bart Simpson? Once the veneer of civility is stripped away, do we not all yearn, just a little, for the kind of anarchic chaos that fuels such mischief? Perhaps, after all, we ought to take greater risks, indulge more freely in our whims. Perhaps we should make these 'prank calls' more often. Perhaps we should make more impulsive purchases on credit, or engage in the most delightful of petty (but very thirst-quenching) transgressions—such as withholding payment from our children for chores when they cite the illegality of unpaid labour. Perhaps we should urinate through a neighbour’s letterbox, and with a sly smile and a twinkle in our eye, simply claim it was simply an attempt to water their plants. Perhaps we should stop washing our hair for a month, just to see what happens.

Perhaps we should live. 

Entertainment News - Vladimir Putin reportedly in talks to co-produce 'Fallout 5'

By Timothy Honk

The next instalment in highly popular video-game series Fallout may have a new and unexpected face in the writers room - Russian president Vladimir Putin.

According to an anonymous source from inside the Kremlin, Mr. Putin has recently expressed to his closest advisers how much he enjoys the popular post-apocalyptic video-game franchise, and reportedly plays it frequently on his private PlayStation 5 at his dacha in Moscow.

Fallout was first released in 1997. It has since spawned numerous sequels and has come to represent an industry juggernaut, raking in hundreds of millions of dollars globally. The game’s setting takes place after a catastrophic nuclear war which has devastated mankind, leaving behind only scattered bands of desperate survivors, tribals, marauders, and cannibals.

Our source claims that Putin has reached out to Fallout producers Bethesda Softworks with a pitch on accelerating the development of the next instalment as early as 2025. Mr. Putin is reportedly frustrated with the slow pace of development for his favourite game series, and is also highly concerned with delivering a ‘lifelike’ and ‘immersive’ experience, taking steps to ensure that the ‘fifth and final’ game in the franchise is as realistic as possible.

When asked for clarity, our source told us that realism in video-games is a topic of contention with Mr. Putin and his inner circle, and numerous secret meetings have been held inside the Kremlin with top advisers on how best to address the problem. Now, it seems, Russia has a solution.

Obviously, it’s questionable as to how Mr. Putin can find the time to maintain a gaming hobby in the middle of a war with neighbouring Ukraine. When asked by our reporters, our source simply stated that it has always been a part of Russia’s grander wartime strategy and is apparently resistant to change.

Bethesda Softworks has yet to comment on the unexpected news.

More on this story to follow.

Workplace 'boredom' epidemic on the rise

by Jemima Thick

Find yourself bored in the workplace, sitting at your desk and scrolling through your phone endlessly? You’re not the only one. A sharp rise in ‘workplace boredom’ has driven many Gen Z job-hoppers into despondency as they complain about the lack of fulfilling tasks in their corporate, white-collar office jobs, and a growing chorus of workers are crying out for a greater emphasis on more meaningful uses of their time at work. 

That’s it. That’s the story. What, you wanted more? You wanted more from me? Let me tell you something, dear reader - right now, I’m the one who’s bored. That’s right. I’m bored of YOU.

Look - I’m a freelance journalist. I write for various newspapers, magazines and online blogs in my spare time, because I don’t consider time to be ‘spare’ at all. See, that’s the difference between you and me. I actually do things with the time I have away from my day job clerking at a stationery company, because I’m an industrious, hard-working and restless sort of person; in short, the complete opposite of whatever you are or could possibly become. I don’t get bored, because I consider boredom to simply be a failure to utilise one’s intelligence and creativity to occupy one’s time. 

Let’s instead shift the narrative around ‘workplace boredom’ to something which I think is more apt -  ‘creative failure’. Some might call Ted Kaczyinski a terrorist - and they’re right - but one thing you definitely cannot call him is ‘idle’. In his downtime, was he sitting there complaining online about his lack of fulfilment at work? No! He learned a new skill, honed it to a fine craft, and then mailed that skill to various important politicians and businessmen, only occasionally stopping to dribble over himself and smear the walls with faeces. 

Was he also an interior decorator? No. Not at all. That’s not decoration, that’s just poo-smearing tomfoolery. I would never equate those two acts within the same category, as I know some very hard-working interior decorators and they’ve been very clear with me that none of their duties involve that kind of behaviour. But the point to illustrate here is that even the most mentally dispossessed people among us still find ways to fight boredom, and fight it effectively. 

Complaining about being bored online is more or less the same as Ted Kaczyinski smearing faeces on the wall, just in a digital format. I have no desire to read the slew of faecal matter that’s been posted online about workplace boredom - YOU need to think about what YOU can do to address it.

I’ve gone through the trouble of writing some suggestions for the uber-complainers who just can’t think for themselves. These may vary depending on what occupation you have, so apply the ones which best fit your current working environment:

• Bring a book to work. 

• Trim your fringe. 

• Empty the bins. 

• Learn a new skill. 

• Stand in the corner and face the wall until someone stops you. 

• Draw attention to flaws in the workplace and email it to your boss. 

• Place the kitchen mugs in an inconvenient location. 

• Moult. 

• Assign personalities to your stationery. 

• Declare your personal sovereignty from the government.  

• Monitor the workplace for signs of unionism.

• Form an anti-union union. 

• Seat yourself on another’s desk. 

• Form a regular union.

• Lock yourself inside the tea cupboard. 

• Amalgamate all known unions into one super-union. 

• Announce to your colleagues that ‘plans are in motion’.

• Yoga.

You don’t necessarily have to do all these things - but for God’s sake, do SOMETHING. I warn you - the next time I see a tweet about how bored you are at work, I will personally hunt you down and  rearrange your face. There will be no safe haven for you on this Earth, mark my words. I will call down holy thunder from on high to smite you and everyone you’ve ever loved. I will drain your life force and place it into a small bucket underneath my airing cupboard until it matures into a foetid chemical mixture of your hopes and dreams, which I will then pour into my neighbours downstairs toilet. You will know no peace as long as I live.

Take care, and stay creative. It's for your own good.