By Jemima Thick
In a move that has shocked civil rights groups around the world, the UK government has today announced a new bill titled ‘The Commuter Safety and Inconvenience Protection Act 2025’ which threatens to impose the death penalty for any act of protest or civil disobedience that impedes the flow of traffic on Britain’s roads.
Should this bill become law, any protestors caught causing “mild inconvenience”—defined by the government as anything beyond a 0.5-second delay in the journey of a middle-class commuter—would face immediate execution. Methods of termination will be chosen based on the severity of the disruption caused or how much the protestor annoys the judge.
Aside from the standard execution by firing squad outlined in the bill, more severe methods for particularly annoying or disruptive protests include death by drowning, which would involve the offender being waterboarded live on television by popular new Noel Edmonds character ‘Mr. Barrely’, a delightful oil-drum shaped children’s entertainment mascot provided to ITV by a sponsorship deal with fossil fuel conglomerate ExxonMobil.
Another ‘special’ method involves the accused climate protestor being tied up, gagged, and forced to watch as their favourite shale gas deposits are ruthlessly fracked until their silly effete emotions about the environment overwhelm them, and cause them to die from a broken heart (a final shot to the head is administered in cases where this is nonviable).
Under the terms of the proposed bill, climate protestors who are unable to be arrested due to having glued themselves to objects or surfaces will be peacefully decommissioned by a specialist team of highly trained SAS snipers, whom the Government have promised will be installed at every roadway, thoroughfare and pedestrian footpath in the UK. These so-called 'gluesniffers', officially designated as the Tactical Adhesive Response and Neutralisation Squad (TARNS), have been given broad powers to terminate glue-based protestors and suspected Affirmative Action Adhesive Abusers (AAAAs) with extreme prejudice.
Rules of engagement mandate that specialised munitions, such as explosive and incendiary bullets, are to be used to break up small clusters of gluers who have stopped traffic on a major road, such as an A-road or dual carriageway. Once neutralised, the bodies of these decommissioned glue-bandits will then simply be flattened into a disc and paved over with fresh tarmac, where they will serve new social utility as commemorative speed bumps to deter future activism.
When it comes to vital infrastructure, such as the M1 or M25 motorways, gluers will be subject to Kamikaze suicide attacks by the RAF, using special planes deliberately engineered to seek out glue and then crash into it. Gluesniffing technology, including the Glue-Oriented Offensive Navigation System (GOONS), has been vital in upgrading the glue-based detection apparatus of flight computers: A modern RAF Typhoon jet, outfitted with a state-of-the-art GOONS tracking module, can sniff out any type of glue and autonomously redirect its flight trajectory to the target source up to a range of 4000 miles.
Minor offenders, such as small children openly carrying tubes of Pritt-Stick, will only be arrested and indefinitely detained in an undisclosed location until a scheduled judicial review. In cases of a significant low-priority glue disturbance, such as a primary school art project, children will be pacified on sight with less-lethal means, such as water cannons, tear gas and rubber bullets. Parents are entitled to compensation for injury to the child, and upon a successful claim, the Government has pledged to issue a replacement child of equal or greater value within 6–8 weeks.
The bill’s sponsors stress that these measures are necessary for the nation’s wellbeing. “We cannot have these people blocking the roads,” one government official stated. “I mean, who does that? Who thinks they can just glue themselves to the asphalt and hold up a £200,000 Porsche? It’s madness. And my God, they’re just so annoying. I was made late for my appointment with a Latina prostitute because some do-gooder wants to talk my ear off with some boring nonsense about the imminent societal collapse we all face should inaction on the climate continue, or something boring like that. She came all the way from Argentina, too. I say kill ‘em all.”
Additional amendments to the bill are already being proposed. If a protestor attempts to engage in simple conversation about climate change, either amongst themselves or to actual real people, that too should be grounds for immediate execution, according to Conservative MP and opposition leader Kemi Badenoch.
“There’s a quiet dignity in farmers blockading entire cities with their massive tractors”, Badenoch said in a statement to the House of Commons today. “When a group of annoying young people, lesbians, and art teachers do it, it might not result in severe economic and infrastructural disruption in quite the same way, but the fact that they have ideas, beliefs, and principles, and the fact that they try to spread those ideas to others, is just a bridge too far for our country.”
Former Prime Minister Boris Johnson called the bill “a genuine leap forward in moral leadership”.
“This isn’t about roads,” he said. “It’s about power. And cars. And cars with power.” He then added, “Imagine you’re on your way to a garden party in your Aston Martin, a common and normal experience for the everyday Brit, and—wham—some eco-warrior has glued themselves to the tarmac. What are you supposed to do? Stop for a chat about the environment? No, no, no. What they need is a real lesson in British values. Sadly, this exact scenario I just described happens all the time, constantly, and we’ve all had enough.”
Dr. Harold Forecastle, author of Amazon e-book ‘The Climate Scam’ and prominent climate change denier who is also inexplicably a doctor and university professor, took to Instagram to congratulate the UK government from his California home, heralding their “bold new legislation”, which will be guaranteed to “teach the woke commie liberal lefty Jewminati a lesson in manners” . However, due to an outbreak of intense wildfires currently ravaging the state, he could not be reached for further comment.
The new law has already passed its first reading in the House of Commons, and sentencing is expected to begin by the end of the week. Existing protestors who have already been jailed face having their cases retried to assess eligibility for the death penalty. Protestors who have already served their sentence and been released are facing new legislation which includes a government tax on breathing air and eating edible food - those lucky enough to have found employment after release face their income being slashed by as much as 300%, depending on factors such as how much air they choose to breathe.
Rumours have surfaced that the government is considering offering a special financial reward for anyone who can produce solid proof, or an otherwise convincing anecdote, that they’ve been inconvenienced by a protestor who dares to speak about issues relating to the environment. Submissions have already opened on the Daily Mail’s website, and the comments sections are already awash with intellectuals engaging in civil, polite discussion and constructive debate.
More on this story to follow.
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