Just Stop Oil protestors to face death penalty in new bill.

By Jemima Thick

In a move that has shocked civil rights groups around the world, the UK government has today announced a new bill titled ‘The Commuter Safety and Inconvenience Protection Act 2025’ which threatens to impose the death penalty for any act of protest or civil disobedience that impedes the flow of traffic on Britain’s roads. 

This bill, should it become law, stipulates a severe method of capital punishment for oil based protest crimes, taking the form of death by drowning. This would involve the offender being waterboarded live on television by popular new Noel Edmonds character ‘Mr. Barrely’, a delightful oil-drum shaped children’s entertainment mascot provided to ITV by a sponsorship deal with fossil fuel conglomerate ExxonMobil.

Should this deal be unsuccessful, a alternative secondary method has been proposed, involving the accused climate protestor being tied up, gagged, and forced to watch as their favourite shale gas deposits are ruthlessly fracked until their silly effete emotions about the environment overwhelm them, and cause them to die from a broken heart (a final shot to the head is administered in cases where this is nonviable). 

Police have also been given broad new powers. Climate protestors who are unable to be arrested due to having glued themselves to objects or surfaces will be peacefully decommissioned by a specialist team of highly trained police snipers, whom the Government have promised will be installed at every roadway, thoroughfare and pedestrian footpath in the UK. These so-called 'gluesniffers', officially designated as the Tactical Adhesive Response and Neutralisation Squad (TARNS), have been given broad powers to terminate glue-based protestors and suspected Affirmative Action Adhesive Abusers (AAAAs) with extreme prejudice.

Specialised munitions, such as explosive and incendiary bullets, are to be used to break up small clusters of gluers who have stopped traffic on a major road, such as an A-road or dual carriageway. Once neutralised, the bodies of these decommissioned glue-bandits will then simply be flattened into a disc and paved over with fresh tarmac, where they will serve new social utility as commemorative speed bumps to deter future activism.

When it comes to vital infrastructure, such as the M1 or M25 motorways, gluers will be subject to Kamikaze suicide attacks by the Royal Air Force. Special planes will be deliberately engineered to seek out glue and then crash into it, utilising so-called 'gluesniffing' technology, such as the Glue-Oriented Offensive Navigation System.

'GOONS' has reportedly been vital in upgrading the glue-based detection apparatus of flight computers: A modern RAF Typhoon jet, outfitted with a state-of-the-art GOONS tracking module, can sniff out any type of glue and autonomously redirect its flight trajectory to the target source up to a range of 4000 miles.

Minor offenders, such as small children openly carrying tubes of Pritt-Stick, will only be arrested and indefinitely detained in an undisclosed location until a scheduled judicial review. In cases of a significant low-priority glue disturbance, such as a primary school art project, children will be pacified on sight with less-lethal means, such as water cannons, tear gas and rubber bullets. Parents are entitled to compensation for injury to the child, and upon a successful claim, the Government has pledged to issue a replacement child of equal or greater value within 6–8 weeks.

The new law has already passed its first reading in the House of Commons, and sentencing is expected to begin by the end of the week. Existing protestors who have already been jailed face having their cases retried to assess eligibility for the death penalty. Protestors who have already served their sentence and been released are facing new legislation which includes a government tax on breathing air and eating edible food - those lucky enough to have found employment after release face their income being slashed by as much as 300%, depending on factors such as how much air they choose to breathe. 

Rumours have surfaced that the government is considering offering a special financial reward for anyone who can produce solid proof, or an otherwise convincing anecdote, that they’ve been inconvenienced by a protestor who dares to speak about issues relating to the environment. Submissions have already opened on the Daily Mail’s website, and the comments sections are already awash with intellectuals engaging in civil, polite discussion and constructive debate. 

More on this story to follow.