The August Advice Column - Freeloading Filius!

By Hadrian Flails Agony Aunt

As the month of August draws to a close, we've received a couple of missives from our readers asking for advice about their various problems. This service is open to all our readers - don't be afraid to send your questions in!

"Dear Agony Aunt,

I’m a 54 year old stay-at-home single mum. My son is 28, and he’s still living with me. He refuses to search for a job to contribute to household costs, and spends all his time gaming on his computer. He often sleeps in until 2 in the afternoon, sometimes even later, and he can be very rude. How do I tell him that his behaviour needs to change?"

Hey hey. Sounds like you’ve got a seriously bad case of freeloading son syndrome. Not to worry. Doctor Hadrian Flails MD is here to perform his own personal brand of invasive problem-surgery to cure your terrible problem!

First, let’s start with the basics. You need to learn how to assert yourself and lay down the law. Too often, I see well-meaning parents that are too timid to actually have a frank conversation with their kids about what’s acceptable and what is not, and this leads to problem behaviour down the line once they reach adulthood. 

To start with, you need to be hitting the weight rack. Start going to the gym and training your chest, biceps, quads and lats, as you’re going to need the extra muscle mass to be able to successfully intimidate your son into following the rules. Men follow strength - it’s a universal code - so he must fear you if you expect him to fall in line. 

Once you’ve built up enough mass, you can start applying some classic techniques to enforce order in your household. Every morning at 7am sharp, try pounding on his bedroom door exactly three times in quick succession, preferably accompanied by some sort of whistle-instrument, to shake your son out of bed. Hand him a list of daily tasks that must be completed by noon; these can be simple things such as filing your tax returns, or more complicated tasks like turning a domestic water wheel to generate electricity. 

To address the problem gaming, an effective technique would be to sit behind him and provide consistent negative reinforcement as he’s playing the game. You’re going to need to research what the game is about in order to do this effectively - if it’s a competitive game such as FIFA or Call of Duty, you should provide bad advice often and loudly to your son in order to fool him into making a mistake. If it’s more story driven or cinematic, read spoilers online and then deliver them to your son at crucial moments. For example, if a character is going to commit a betrayal later on, make sure your son is aware of this from the moment that character is introduced into the story. Eventually, this pattern of negative reinforcement will condition your son into becoming too fed up with games to play them anymore. 

After this is addressed, we can move on to the final step - getting a job. The best way to do this would be to form your own multi-level marketing company with a few trusted friends who communicate entirely via WhatsApp, and then offer your son a position at the company. In order to cut costs, I recommend an unpaid internship, as this will teach him a valuable lesson in managing his expectations. Over time, gradually decrease the standards of your working environment to intolerable levels until he is inspired to pursue a better opportunity elsewhere. 

Congratulations; you’ve turned your failing whelp into a hardened job-hunting machine who wakes up on time, shuns the distractions, and has the right motivation to succeed. If at any point he starts sliding back into old habits, just flex your pectorals at him until he rights himself. In a couple of months time, you’ll be rid of that freeloader and you can finally get back to your regular routine. 

Good luck to you!