By Jemima Thick
In a shocking and unprecedented move, US President Donald Trump has announced sweeping 70% tariffs on all imports from Mars, claiming that the red planet has been “engaging in the worst trade scam in galactic history.”
Speaking from a hastily assembled press conference, flanked by two men in ill-fitting astronaut suits, Trump accused the Martian government of operating a "massive interplanetary con job", taking advantage of America’s generosity while refusing to contribute to the "America First" economic model.
In a Truth Social post yesterday evening, Trump stated:
"Look at the size of Mars. It’s just sitting up there, doing absolutely nothing. And while we’re up here, paying for rockets and probes, they’re just holding on to everything. And now we’re going to make them pay. Just like we did with China. Only better."
According to unnamed “very powerful” sources, Trump suggested that Mars is secretly running a shadow economy and "hoarding all the good minerals" while America foots the bill for exploration. He cited "some people" who have told him that Mars is sitting on "huge, tremendous, unbelievable mineral reserves," but refuse to share because they “love communism."
Economists were left scratching their heads, as Mars is not widely known for having a functioning economy, trade routes, or air. Despite this, Trump insisted the tariffs would generate "billions, maybe trillions, maybe more numbers than you’ve ever heard of” in revenue.
The announcement comes just a day after Trump announced sweeping tariffs on many countries around the world, including China, the United Kingdom, France, and Antarctica. The Antarctic Provisional Government, already wracked with internal strife due to deepening divisions between the warring penguin clans, has faced even further destabilisation due to Trump’s 30% tariffs on automobile and uranium exports.
One scientist stationed at a frigid Antarctic research base reports that several gatherings of Chinstrap penguins have congregated around a large snow effigy of the United States flag, and are taking turns violently pecking it in a ritualistic display of anti-Western protest, making vocalisations which sound suspiciously similar to ‘Praise Allah!'. This report could not be independently verified, but it’s big if true.
NASA, meanwhile, released a brief statement in response to Trump’s announcement that simply read: "We don't know how to respond to this." Early reports are already emerging that subsequent to this statement, NASA is in the process of being dismantled. The Perseverance Rover, currently stationed on Mars, was reported to have autonomously tripped itself over a small rock in what scientists believe may have been an attempt to self-terminate.
Trump, unfazed, concluded his speech by outlining his next steps.
"Saturn is next. You see all those rings? Who’s paying for those? We’re getting absolutely fleeced here. Not anymore, folks. Not anymore."
The international community has been largely silent on the issue, with one exception: Elon Musk, who upon hearing the news reportedly sighed, closed his laptop, and walked directly into the sea, rendering him unable to be reached for comment.
The Martian government has yet to respond.
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