Workplace 'boredom' epidemic on the rise

by Jemima Thick

Find yourself bored in the workplace, sitting at your desk and scrolling through your phone endlessly? You’re not the only one. A sharp rise in ‘workplace boredom’ has driven many Gen Z job-hoppers into despondency as they complain about the lack of fulfilling tasks in their corporate, white-collar office jobs, and a growing chorus of workers are crying out for a greater emphasis on more meaningful uses of their time at work. 

That’s it. That’s the story. What, you wanted more? You wanted more from me? Let me tell you something, dear reader - right now, I’m the one who’s bored. That’s right. I’m bored of YOU.

Look - I’m a freelance journalist. I write for various newspapers, magazines and online blogs in my spare time, because I don’t consider time to be ‘spare’ at all. See, that’s the difference between you and me. I actually do things with the time I have away from my day job clerking at a stationery company, because I’m an industrious, hard-working and restless sort of person; in short, the complete opposite of whatever you are or could possibly become. I don’t get bored, because I consider boredom to simply be a failure to utilise one’s intelligence and creativity to occupy one’s time. 

Let’s instead shift the narrative around ‘workplace boredom’ to something which I think is more apt -  ‘creative failure’. Some might call Ted Kaczyinski a terrorist - and they’re right - but one thing you definitely cannot call him is ‘idle’. In his downtime, was he sitting there complaining online about his lack of fulfilment at work? No! He learned a new skill, honed it to a fine craft, and then mailed that skill to various important politicians and businessmen, only occasionally stopping to dribble over himself and smear the walls with faeces. 

Was he also an interior decorator? No. Not at all. That’s not decoration, that’s just poo-smearing tomfoolery. I would never equate those two acts within the same category, as I know some very hard-working interior decorators and they’ve been very clear with me that none of their duties involve that kind of behaviour. But the point to illustrate here is that even the most mentally dispossessed people among us still find ways to fight boredom, and fight it effectively. 

Complaining about being bored online is more or less the same as Ted Kaczyinski smearing faeces on the wall, just in a digital format. I have no desire to read the slew of faecal matter that’s been posted online about workplace boredom - YOU need to think about what YOU can do to address it.

I’ve gone through the trouble of writing some suggestions for the uber-complainers who just can’t think for themselves. These may vary depending on what occupation you have, so apply the ones which best fit your current working environment:

• Bring a book to work. 

• Trim your fringe. 

• Empty the bins. 

• Learn a new skill. 

• Stand in the corner and face the wall until someone stops you. 

• Draw attention to flaws in the workplace and email it to your boss. 

• Place the kitchen mugs in an inconvenient location. 

• Moult. 

• Assign personalities to your stationery. 

• Declare your personal sovereignty from the government.  

• Monitor the workplace for signs of unionism.

• Form an anti-union union. 

• Seat yourself on another’s desk. 

• Form a regular union.

• Lock yourself inside the tea cupboard. 

• Amalgamate all known unions into one super-union. 

• Announce to your colleagues that ‘plans are in motion’.

• Yoga.

You don’t necessarily have to do all these things - but for God’s sake, do SOMETHING. I warn you - the next time I see a tweet about how bored you are at work, I will personally hunt you down and  rearrange your face. There will be no safe haven for you on this Earth, mark my words. I will call down holy thunder from on high to smite you and everyone you’ve ever loved. I will drain your life force and place it into a small bucket underneath my airing cupboard until it matures into a foetid chemical mixture of your hopes and dreams, which I will then pour into my neighbours downstairs toilet. You will know no peace as long as I live.

Take care, and stay creative. It's for your own good.

The August Advice Column - Freeloading Filius!

By Hadrian Flails Agony Aunt

As the month of August draws to a close, we've received a couple of missives from our readers asking for advice about their various problems. This service is open to all our readers - don't be afraid to send your questions in!

"Dear Agony Aunt,

I’m a 54 year old stay-at-home single mum. My son is 28, and he’s still living with me. He refuses to search for a job to contribute to household costs, and spends all his time gaming on his computer. He often sleeps in until 2 in the afternoon, sometimes even later, and he can be very rude. How do I tell him that his behaviour needs to change?"

Hey hey. Sounds like you’ve got a seriously bad case of freeloading son syndrome. Not to worry. Doctor Hadrian Flails MD is here to perform his own personal brand of invasive problem-surgery to cure your terrible problem!

First, let’s start with the basics. You need to learn how to assert yourself and lay down the law. Too often, I see well-meaning parents that are too timid to actually have a frank conversation with their kids about what’s acceptable and what is not, and this leads to problem behaviour down the line once they reach adulthood. 

To start with, you need to be hitting the weight rack. Start going to the gym and training your chest, biceps, quads and lats, as you’re going to need the extra muscle mass to be able to successfully intimidate your son into following the rules. Men follow strength - it’s a universal code - so he must fear you if you expect him to fall in line. 

Once you’ve built up enough mass, you can start applying some classic techniques to enforce order in your household. Every morning at 7am sharp, try pounding on his bedroom door exactly three times in quick succession, preferably accompanied by some sort of whistle-instrument, to shake your son out of bed. Hand him a list of daily tasks that must be completed by noon; these can be simple things such as filing your tax returns, or more complicated tasks like turning a domestic water wheel to generate electricity. 

To address the problem gaming, an effective technique would be to sit behind him and provide consistent negative reinforcement as he’s playing the game. You’re going to need to research what the game is about in order to do this effectively - if it’s a competitive game such as FIFA or Call of Duty, you should provide bad advice often and loudly to your son in order to fool him into making a mistake. If it’s more story driven or cinematic, read spoilers online and then deliver them to your son at crucial moments. For example, if a character is going to commit a betrayal later on, make sure your son is aware of this from the moment that character is introduced into the story. Eventually, this pattern of negative reinforcement will condition your son into becoming too fed up with games to play them anymore. 

After this is addressed, we can move on to the final step - getting a job. The best way to do this would be to form your own multi-level marketing company with a few trusted friends who communicate entirely via WhatsApp, and then offer your son a position at the company. In order to cut costs, I recommend an unpaid internship, as this will teach him a valuable lesson in managing his expectations. Over time, gradually decrease the standards of your working environment to intolerable levels until he is inspired to pursue a better opportunity elsewhere. 

Congratulations; you’ve turned your failing whelp into a hardened job-hunting machine who wakes up on time, shuns the distractions, and has the right motivation to succeed. If at any point he starts sliding back into old habits, just flex your pectorals at him until he rights himself. In a couple of months time, you’ll be rid of that freeloader and you can finally get back to your regular routine. 

Good luck to you!

The August Advice Column - Cooking Calamity!

By Hadrian Flails Agony Aunt

As the month of August draws to a close, we've received a couple of missives from our readers asking for advice about their problems. This service is open to all our readers - don't be afraid to send your questions in!

"Dear Agony Aunt,
I promised my wife I would cook dinner for every day of the week after the 21st, but now that the 22nd has rolled around, I find myself lacking the energy and enthusiasm necessary to cook for every single night for the rest of the month, as I had promised. What should I do?"

Hi there. Thanks for reaching out to The Wazz. This sounds like a classic case of malingering to me, and were you under my command, I’d have you taken out back and shot for gross dereliction of duty. Ha!

In a relationship, it’s vitally important that you maintain the trust between you and your partner, so if you say you’re going to do something, you should go through with it. Your partner is going to come home tonight and find out that you haven’t cooked the dinner as you promised you would, and she is going to be rather upset. 

There’s only one way to re-establish the trust that you’ve violated - invest, invest, invest. If you can make a splash on the stock market with a high-risk, high-reward trade, neither of you will ever have to cook dinner again. You’ll get your own personal poor person to cook it for you, and their rustic culinary flair, honed through years of a hardscrabble life on the poverty line, will have you eating soul food jambalaya rich in flavour every night of the week. 

You and your partner can relax and kick your feet up on your own private jet to the Bahamas, and this unfortunate episode will become a mere footnote to your gargantuan success. Remember - fortune favours the bold. Find that hot stock and lock in that trade, right now. Don’t worry about the margins - read between them. That’s why they’re called ‘margins’ in the first place!

Ukraine's invasion of Kursk leaves Russia reeling

By Timothy Honk


Over the last few days, Ukraine has seemingly pulled off the impossible, and launched a successful and sustained incursion into neighbouring Russia, a far bigger and much nastier country. Gains have been made in Russia's Kursk region which borders the Ukrainian Sumy oblast, where heavy fisticuffs and merciless gun-bashing had been taking place only months ago. Now, it seems, the momentum has been seized by the Ukrainians, who have advanced into the Russian village of Sudzha and reportedly set up a communal swimming pool, a bank, and a specialised training centre for badly behaved pets, all in the past seven days.

One Russian man who had witnessed armoured columns of Ukrainian fighting vehicles roll past his house spoke to the Wazz via instant messaging app Telegram, and gave us a detailed accounting of what he had seen:

"It was madness. The tanks just kept coming. I saw a truck that was just full of rubber bands. I think they want to make a big ball out of them and use it against us somehow. Another one was carrying a bunch of American guns which had been painted over to look like AK-47s, but there's only so much you can do to hide the shape I think. Some of the soldiers were carrying pastries with them that looked freshly made, and smelled very good, actually. I'm ashamed to say that I took one. I'm sorry to my fellow countrymen. I was weak. God forgive me."

Russian authorities have ordered an evacuation of the entire Kursk oblast in response to the invasion by Ukrainian troops. According to our sources inside Russia, this evacuation effort has been hamstrung by poor logistical planning, and the Russian forces have been giving wildly conflicting information to the evacuees.

According to various interviews we’ve conducted with the evacuated residents of Kursk on condition of anonymity, the reasons given by Russian soldiers for the evacuation have ranged from burst water pipes, clogged toilets and drains, a shortage of supermarket cola, bedbugs, and outbreaks of polio. One family was told that they were being taken to see a Blink-182 concert after having won a secret prize draw, whilst another was told that there was something they just "really, really needed to see" in the back of the truck.

Elsewhere, Russian military efforts to repel the incursion have not gone according to plan, as claimed by our senior military analysts. A detachment of reserve troops, redeployed from the frontline in Donbas to counter the incursion into Kursk, reportedly made a minor navigational error which resulted in them marching over 7,000 km north and east over the Bering Strait and into Alaska, where they were promptly detained by the US Coast Guard. 

Additionally, a Russian armoured brigade observed moving northwest from a staging area in Belgorod reportedly mistook an improvised Red Cross hospital tent for a Ukrainian field command post. Russian servicemen proceeded to usher the occupants to a quiet area in order to be shelled, and only afterwards realised that they had spent the last of their ammunition reserves and were forced to turn back.

We will have more updates for you as soon as we have them.

As rioting grips Britain, leading experts say that we must find a way to allay the public's fears over immigration.

By Alan Shrewsbury

It's no secret that the United Kingdom has been anything but united as of late. Rioting, looting, and scenes of violent disorder have been perpetrated by elements of the far-right, which tell us that the public mood in Britain has deeply soured on the governments approach to immigration. Muslimophobia, once simply a fringe idea-ology, has now become widespread, with the flames of chaos fanned by far-right food and drink brands such as Robinson's (known for supermarket squash and other beverages) as well as prominent restauranteurs, such as Nigel Farage. According to research conducted by The Wazz, the number of people in the UK naming their babies 'Nigel Farage', a relatively uncommon baby name, has seen a sharp uptick by almost 243% since the riots began and shows no sign of abating. 

So why all this doom and gloom? The answer is simple. The UK establishment has continually let down the British people by selling thousands of luxury yachts to impoverished refugees, who then use those very same yachts to sail across the Channel, right back to the UK. When questioned on the decision to provide asylum seekers with such ostentatious means of transportation, the Home Office simply stated the following:

"If those refugees were able to have a taste of the high life, then once they are on British shores and thrown back into abject poverty, they would be inspired to integrate into our country in order to earn enough money to afford their own yacht. It's social mobility 101, guys. Come on."

Public outcry against this policy has only intensified in recent months. The mood of the British public is acrid, heated, and frankly, it's also quite smelly. In order to prevent scenes of abhorrent violence like what we've seen over the past week, some prominent individuals are arguing that we must find a way to engage with those who are out rioting, lend a listening ear to those disaffected voices, and maybe - just maybe - change their mind. 

One idea proposed by notable intellectuals, such as social media influencers and opinion columnists, has been 'radical acceptance'. The idea posits that we simply have a sit-down with rioters (this writer has a preference for comfy sofas! Ha!) with the hope of allowing them to give their side of the story in an effort to prevent these social divisions from literally tearing apart and ripping out bloody chunks of flesh from the fabric of our society. Lending a listening ear in a non-judgemental, conciliatory and anti-inflammatory fashion is hardly a novel idea, but does Westminster have the guts to do it?

We didn't wait to find out. The capable, intrepid reporters at The Daily Wazz took it upon themselves to interview the rioters. 

We went to Merseyside and spoke to a bitter, angry and disenfranchised young man who had voiced his anger at an uncaring political class by breaking into a pet shop and setting several hamsters on fire, before promptly urinating on their charred remains. We wanted to know his thoughts about the divisive policies and political context which had led to him doing such a provocative act of dirty protest. At his request, we have kept him anonymous: 

"Well, it's like this, right - bloody Muslamics are coming over 'ere, turning Merseyside into Merseysidistan. We used to have a KFC on the high street, but now it's been replaced by three mosques and a training camp. My 3 month old said his first words to me the other day, and it was "Allahu Akbar", proper pronunciation and all. That pet shop used to stock regular old-fashioned British hamsters, now it stocks bloody "Syrian" hamsters. You tell me what the problem is, mate! By the way, my name is Freddy Cartwright, what's yours?"

Sobering, if crude words, from a man who has been driven to the edge through profound disillusionment with multiculturalism and ill-conceived integration policies. We then travelled to Rotherham to get a second opinion and found another young man who had hurled faeces and bottles of wee-wee at an orthodox church that he had mistaken for a mosque. As he was wearing his underpants on his head, we found it difficult to understand what he was saying to us, so an expert from our 'Helpful Speculation' division has provided a transcription based on what we believe he would have said, had he not chosen to wear his underpants on his head. The following transcription is extensively researched and informed by the wider socio-political context that has underpinned many of these violent episodes:

"This act of vandalism, in which I hurled human excreta at an orthodox church (which I had mistakenly believed to be a mosque), might appear to be thuggish and outrageous at a glance, but it is actually the result of a far deeper issue. The British public have been let down time and time again by the last 20 years of government. Our local councils and our public services are underfunded and struggling to cope, and we feel that our anger, although misplaced at a blameless minority, are representative of a deep and long-simmering disappointment at the establishment for continually ignoring the will of the British people."

"I wish Keir Starmer and his new Labour government all the best, but I must politely insist on clearer communication and concrete policies for how the UK is going to address the immigration crisis."

That's all for now. We are currently en-route to Manchester and will have more on this story for you as soon as possible. In the meantime, stay safe, stay warm, and stay empathetic. We know you can do it. 

It's all gone to pot! Violence in the Middle East threatens to unleash the 'Middle-Beast'.

By Jemima Thick

The latest conflict between Israel and the Lebanese militant group Hezbollah has threatened to awaken the long dormant 'Middle-Beast', our latest experts predict. Seismic activity near the Iraqi-Syrian border, originating from a series of ancient Mesopotamian ruins near the Tigris River, has reportedly been confirmed by numerous scientific and geological institutions throughout the region. 

The 'Middle-Beast', as it has become known, has been extensively researched and documented by several prominent anthropologists, biologists and arcanists since its discovery in 2019, including Dr. Johann Pepper from the University of West Bromley. Pepper's writings, published in his award-winning research paper "Fantastic Middle-Beasts and Where to Find Them", describes the Middle-Beast as an ancient demigod of apparently poor temperament and grotesque appearance:

"It's absolutely huge, mate. A 2,000 feet tall, eight-legged, six-toed, and seven-twatted monstrosity who hates humanity for all of our oil drilling and our digging and stuff. It breathes fire from its arsehole, and keeps a harem of nine virgins who have to douse it with buckets of Pepsi-Cola every morning, or it gets very, very angry. If we keep messing about in the Middle East and interfere with its supply of Pepsi-Cola, we might as well sound the death knell for the human race."

The 'Middle-Beast' was first discovered when a survey team of British archaeologists excavated an old temple near the ruins of Kalhu, on the banks of the Tigris. When contacted by the Wazz for interview, Sir Arthur Pippin, the survey team leader, gave us this chilling testimonial: 

"We had come to some old tunnels leading down into the Earth from a large stone antechamber, and we heard a very loud noise, sort of like a "WoOoOo" sound, like when wind rushes through a narrow and confined space. All of us knew, at that very moment, that we had awoken something terrible indeed, and we fled as fast as our kitten heels could carry us. So, no, we didn't actually see the thing - but I don't think anyone can doubt that we were there, and that we definitley ran away."

That was five years ago. Since then, the discovery of the Middle-Beast has become common knowledge throughout the region. Crackpot conspiracy theorists and other tinfoil-nutters living in Britain have repeatedly asserted that the UK Government had prior knowledge about the creature before its public discovery, and that containing the creature was actually the overall strategic goal of the 2003 invasion of Iraq, and not the recovery of supposed 'WMDs', which is now widely believed to be a false pretext. 

Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu has reportedly been convening in secret with his top wartime cabinet to figure out a way to harness the power of the Middle-Beast, with plans to unleash its ancient and terrible fury upon their enemies. Worrying signs spotted by international observers from neighbouring countries report that Israeli truck convoys, filled with a brown liquid widely believed to be Pepsi-Cola, are heading north into Syria. When we reached out to the Israeli government for comment, a spokesperson simply told us that no such plans are in place, and that we should all go back to wondering whether or not they have nukes. 

Certainly, if the power of the ancient Middle-Beast were to be harnessed by the Israelis, it would be cause for alarm amongst those at home and abroad who are calling on both Israel and Hezbollah to reach a peaceful resolution to the conflict, which many fear is in danger of opening up a wider war. Experts have cautioned that there's no guarantee that the Middle-Beast would take orders from mere mortals, and that any attempt to disturb its thousand-year slumber would have potentially adverse consequences. Pepsi-Cola would almost certainly see a drop in their share price, and markets around the world would feel the impact. 

Addressing the rumours this morning, the Foreign Office gave the following statement : 

"We call on Israel to make public the minutes of these clandestine meetings, so that our allies can properly evaluate and scrutinise them. The UK Government strongly condemns the use of ancient arcane sorcery for the purpose of warfare, and we strongly urge the Israeli government to stick to more conventional, safer means of weaponry, such as white phosphorus."

As of this morning, Pepsi have released a new ad campaign called 'Quench the Demon Inside!'. It is unclear whether or not this is related to recent events. We'll bring you more updates on this story as they become available. 

 

The latest stories, the best analysis, the leading opinions, and a weather forecast that's always wrong. The Wazz has got you covered.

The Wazz - "We've got you covered".

Welcome to The Daily Wazz, the revolutionary new news source you didn’t ask for, but we’re giving you anyway because we thought it would be a nice surprise. We are a mind-bending, soul-rending, all-you-can-eat buffet of news digests, and we dedicate ourselves to giving our readers a warm stream of hot news straight from the fingertips of the most qualified experts, analysts, politicos, and other smart people who know things. Prepare yourself for no-holds-barred analysis from the finest minds around the globe – the kind of people who’ve read things on the internet that you couldn’t even begin to comprehend.

At The Wazz, we’re not sensationalists. No, we’re above that. We’re just here to relentlessly re-educate you with a brand of fiery, fact-based opinions that will leave you questioning your very existence. We don’t do headlines that scream and shout – we whisper the truth gently in your ear whilst a member of our junior staff gives you personally-tailored compliments and fans you slowly with a sheet of laminated A4, all whilst our excellent news content stimulates your brain into releasing pleasurable chemicals that are yet to be named by human science. 

Today we’re a humble, scrappy web-based blog. Tomorrow? The world. The Wazz will be everywhere – plastered across your screen, tattooed on your arm, and given broad emergency journalism powers (which we will relinquish upon the restoration of order and peace). No platform is too obscure, no technology too futuristic, no young people too stupid. We're not just covering the news. We are the news. You'll be seeing us in your dreams, your car radio, and even in your local supermarket. 

But that's just the start. We’ll be publishing deep, well-researched features, alongside cutting-edge editorials that’ll separate the good facts from the bad facts. Soon, we’ll launch our signature "Helpful Speculation" series, where we’ll fill in the blanks of every news story by guessing what might have happened, if you squint hard enough and ignore the actual details. It’s like journalism, but with more freedom. At the Wazz, the democratisation of truth informs everything we do.

And because we care, we're also bringing you an advice column for all the personal problems you never knew you had. Can’t pay your mortgage? Feeling conflicted about the entire political system? Wondering if the world’s slowly descending into madness? Don’t worry, just send your issues to The Wazz, and we’ll Wazzify them for your benefit, turning your bleak reality into a whirlwind of unsolicited advice.

In an age where AI is rewriting history, fake news is rewriting everything, and we’re all one tweet away from disaster, The Wazz is here to remind you: We’ve got it all covered. The spin, the lies, the stories that might be true – we’re here for all of it. We’re your shield, your sword, your personal truth-telling machine. If you’re tired of news that doesn’t leave you questioning everything, then come and join The Wazz, where we’ve redefined what it means to be informed.

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