It's all gone to pot! Violence in the Middle East threatens to unleash the 'Middle-Beast'.

By Jemima Thick

The latest conflict between Israel and the Lebanese militant group Hezbollah has threatened to awaken the long dormant 'Middle-Beast', our latest experts predict. Seismic activity near the Iraqi-Syrian border, originating from a series of ancient Mesopotamian ruins near the Tigris River, has reportedly been confirmed by numerous scientific and geological institutions throughout the region. 

The 'Middle-Beast', as it has become known, has been extensively researched and documented by several prominent anthropologists, biologists and arcanists since its discovery in 2019, including Dr. Johann Pepper from the University of West Bromley. Pepper's writings, published in his award-winning research paper "Fantastic Middle-Beasts and Where to Find Them", describes the Middle-Beast as an ancient demigod of apparently poor temperament and grotesque appearance:

"It's absolutely huge, mate. A 2,000 feet tall, eight-legged, six-toed, and seven-twatted monstrosity who hates humanity for all of our oil drilling and our digging and stuff. It breathes fire from its arsehole, and keeps a harem of nine virgins who have to douse it with buckets of Pepsi-Cola every morning, or it gets very, very angry. If we keep messing about in the Middle East and interfere with its supply of Pepsi-Cola, we might as well sound the death knell for the human race."

The 'Middle-Beast' was first discovered when a survey team of British archaeologists excavated an old temple near the ruins of Kalhu, on the banks of the Tigris. When contacted by the Wazz for interview, Sir Arthur Pippin, the survey team leader, gave us this chilling testimonial: 

"We had come to some old tunnels leading down into the Earth from a large stone antechamber, and we heard a very loud noise, sort of like a "WoOoOo" sound, like when wind rushes through a narrow and confined space. All of us knew, at that very moment, that we had awoken something terrible indeed, and we fled as fast as our kitten heels could carry us. So, no, we didn't actually see the thing - but I don't think anyone can doubt that we were there, and that we definitley ran away."

That was five years ago. Since then, the discovery of the Middle-Beast has become common knowledge throughout the region. Crackpot conspiracy theorists and other tinfoil-nutters living in Britain have repeatedly asserted that the UK Government had prior knowledge about the creature before its public discovery, and that containing the creature was actually the overall strategic goal of the 2003 invasion of Iraq, and not the recovery of supposed 'WMDs', which is now widely believed to be a false pretext. 

Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu has reportedly been convening in secret with his top wartime cabinet to figure out a way to harness the power of the Middle-Beast, with plans to unleash its ancient and terrible fury upon their enemies. Worrying signs spotted by international observers from neighbouring countries report that Israeli truck convoys, filled with a brown liquid widely believed to be Pepsi-Cola, are heading north into Syria. When we reached out to the Israeli government for comment, a spokesperson simply told us that no such plans are in place, and that we should all go back to wondering whether or not they have nukes. 

Certainly, if the power of the ancient Middle-Beast were to be harnessed by the Israelis, it would be cause for alarm amongst those at home and abroad who are calling on both Israel and Hezbollah to reach a peaceful resolution to the conflict, which many fear is in danger of opening up a wider war. Experts have cautioned that there's no guarantee that the Middle-Beast would take orders from mere mortals, and that any attempt to disturb its thousand-year slumber would have potentially adverse consequences. Pepsi-Cola would almost certainly see a drop in their share price, and markets around the world would feel the impact. 

Addressing the rumours this morning, the Foreign Office gave the following statement : 

"We call on Israel to make public the minutes of these clandestine meetings, so that our allies can properly evaluate and scrutinise them. The UK Government strongly condemns the use of ancient arcane sorcery for the purpose of warfare, and we strongly urge the Israeli government to stick to more conventional, safer means of weaponry, such as white phosphorus."

As of this morning, Pepsi have released a new ad campaign called 'Quench the Demon Inside!'. It is unclear whether or not this is related to recent events. We'll bring you more updates on this story as they become available.