Meta Announces ‘The Dominator’ VR Headset as part of ‘Masculine Energy’ Rebrand

By Alan Shrewsbury Meta’s next VR headset, The Dominator, will soon be hitting shelves, after CEO Mark Zuckerberg confirmed reports that early testing has concluded on the new product. The ‘virtual male wellness experience’, as it is being marketed, is not designed to immerse users in virtual worlds, but instead to indoctrinate them into Meta’s new highly masculine corporate ethos.

The Dominator headset is designed to fit over the entire head, rather than just the eyes and ears, and will feature no screen, no audio, and no content. Once placed securely upon the wearer’s head, a large bag of gravel will be poured in through an opening at the top. Upon successfully filling their helmets with gravel, users are then instructed to violently shake their head from side to side for an uninterrupted period of 42 minutes. Users who fail to complete this 42 minute exercise are instructed to remove the helmet, lie down, and pour a serving of complementary ‘failure sand’ directly into their mouth. 

“You wear it to know pain - to be intimate with it - in order to understand your limitations and therefore your potential”,  Zuckerberg said. “Our new gravel-powered male wellness technology allows us to explore our true selves in ways we never dreamed possible."

Surviving testers have described the experience as existentially disorienting, but ultimately positive. The bag of sand has seen particular discussion, with some testers remarking that it provides a genuine 'consequence' to lacking discipline.

“This is what’s missing for many of these ‘personal growth plans’ - there’s no consequence for failure” said another early tester, speaking to us from LA General Hospital through a text-to-speech voice modulator. “Well, the Dominator changes all that. It took me a few tries, a few cracked vertebrae, and quite a few lungfuls of sand - but I was finally able to reach the 42 minute mark. Meta has changed the game in the wellspace*, and I’m proud to say that for the first time, I’ve achieved my goals. Have you?”

“We’ve moved beyond the digital world,” Zuckerberg explained in a press conference whilst dressed in period-accurate Samurai garb and wearing The Dominator on his head, flanked by two assistants with sealed packets of gravel and sand. “This is about the real world. The world of cold, hard truths, where you either survive the grind, or you don’t. That’s what Meta is all about now. Strength.”

Zuckerberg then proceeded with a demonstration of the product for 19 minutes before collapsing onstage, where he was promptly airlifted to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. He has since been discharged with only a minor concussion. The assistant carrying the packet of sand had to be physically restrained and is currently facing felony charges of battery on an emergency worker.

Meta’s corporate rebrand of ‘masculine energy’ marks a sharp departure from its previous DEI-led approach to business. Staff are no longer encouraged to express feelings in meetings, unless those feelings are dominance, triumph, or the deep, inner calm that follows a successful hunt. We’ve also received reports that the company’s mindfulness app has been reprogrammed to use subliminal messaging to implant combat suggestions in staff. Additionally, we’re hearing that Meta’s boardroom in Menlo Park has been transformed into a wrestling arena.

If this is true, it aligns with other reports that female employees have been removed from the premises entirely, since women would likely be deemed unfit to share a workspace with shirtless men rolling around on the floor, panting and moaning. A Meta spokesperson seemingly confirmed the removal, stating that female staff had brought ‘too much girly energy,’ which made Meta’s offices ‘too gay.’

Zuckerberg himself declined to comment, instead posting an Instagram reel in which he stares blankly at the camera for seventeen seconds before cracking a boiled egg on his bandaged forehead. He then inserts his testicles into a convection microwave before the video abruptly ends. Concern for his mental state has since grown.

We will bring more updates once I finish my protein shake.

*believed to be a portmanteau of 'wellness' and 'space'.

Just Stop Oil protestors to face death penalty in new bill.

By Jemima Thick

In a move that has shocked civil rights groups around the world, the UK government has today announced a new bill titled ‘The Commuter Safety and Inconvenience Protection Act 2025’ which threatens to impose the death penalty for any act of protest or civil disobedience that impedes the flow of traffic on Britain’s roads. 

This bill, should it become law, stipulates a severe method of capital punishment for oil based protest crimes, taking the form of death by drowning. This would involve the offender being waterboarded live on television by popular new Noel Edmonds character ‘Mr. Barrely’, a delightful oil-drum shaped children’s entertainment mascot provided to ITV by a sponsorship deal with fossil fuel conglomerate ExxonMobil.

Should this deal be unsuccessful, a alternative secondary method has been proposed, involving the accused climate protestor being tied up, gagged, and forced to watch as their favourite shale gas deposits are ruthlessly fracked until their silly effete emotions about the environment overwhelm them, and cause them to die from a broken heart (a final shot to the head is administered in cases where this is nonviable). 

Police have also been given broad new powers. Climate protestors who are unable to be arrested due to having glued themselves to objects or surfaces will be peacefully decommissioned by a specialist team of highly trained police snipers, whom the Government have promised will be installed at every roadway, thoroughfare and pedestrian footpath in the UK. These so-called 'gluesniffers', officially designated as the Tactical Adhesive Response and Neutralisation Squad (TARNS), have been given broad powers to terminate glue-based protestors and suspected Affirmative Action Adhesive Abusers (AAAAs) with extreme prejudice.

Specialised munitions, such as explosive and incendiary bullets, are to be used to break up small clusters of gluers who have stopped traffic on a major road, such as an A-road or dual carriageway. Once neutralised, the bodies of these decommissioned glue-bandits will then simply be flattened into a disc and paved over with fresh tarmac, where they will serve new social utility as commemorative speed bumps to deter future activism.

When it comes to vital infrastructure, such as the M1 or M25 motorways, gluers will be subject to Kamikaze suicide attacks by the Royal Air Force. Special planes will be deliberately engineered to seek out glue and then crash into it, utilising so-called 'gluesniffing' technology, such as the Glue-Oriented Offensive Navigation System.

'GOONS' has reportedly been vital in upgrading the glue-based detection apparatus of flight computers: A modern RAF Typhoon jet, outfitted with a state-of-the-art GOONS tracking module, can sniff out any type of glue and autonomously redirect its flight trajectory to the target source up to a range of 4000 miles.

Minor offenders, such as small children openly carrying tubes of Pritt-Stick, will only be arrested and indefinitely detained in an undisclosed location until a scheduled judicial review. In cases of a significant low-priority glue disturbance, such as a primary school art project, children will be pacified on sight with less-lethal means, such as water cannons, tear gas and rubber bullets. Parents are entitled to compensation for injury to the child, and upon a successful claim, the Government has pledged to issue a replacement child of equal or greater value within 6–8 weeks.

The new law has already passed its first reading in the House of Commons, and sentencing is expected to begin by the end of the week. Existing protestors who have already been jailed face having their cases retried to assess eligibility for the death penalty. Protestors who have already served their sentence and been released are facing new legislation which includes a government tax on breathing air and eating edible food - those lucky enough to have found employment after release face their income being slashed by as much as 300%, depending on factors such as how much air they choose to breathe. 

Rumours have surfaced that the government is considering offering a special financial reward for anyone who can produce solid proof, or an otherwise convincing anecdote, that they’ve been inconvenienced by a protestor who dares to speak about issues relating to the environment. Submissions have already opened on the Daily Mail’s website, and the comments sections are already awash with intellectuals engaging in civil, polite discussion and constructive debate. 

More on this story to follow.